the way i see my life up to this point has changed a lot on this trip and i’m really craving some stability to combat all this new confusion. all i know right now is that the place i call home doesn’t feel like my home anymore, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
this is one of my dogs in a diaper. she’s the only thing in my life that has stayed the same for the six years she’s been around. every time i come home, whether i’ve been on a long trip or just went to get the mail, she does a dance to welcome me back. i can’t wait to see her when i get back to michigan.
been having so much trouble with gender identity for the last two years. until i was 16 i believed that gender was decided by your sexual organs. whoops, of course that’s not right, and finding that out expanded my view so much that i became overwhelmed. i wanted to try all the genders. i experimented for a while. i tried to force things that i knew weren’t right for me.
since i can remember, i’ve felt no connection to the gender i was assigned at birth. the gender i was raised with just didn’t click with me. from the day i could dress myself, i wore “boy” clothes, played with the boys and the girls equally, and i kept my hair long. i was happy that way. but children are cruel and i had to change when i entered middle school.
being so feminine all the time made me extremely uncomfortable. but i accepted it as a part of life and i moved on. i knew that there were boys and there were girls, and i was a girl. i mean, i must be, right? i have lady parts and everyone calls me “she,” so of course! except no. that wasn’t right. i think part of me knew all along, but i never even thought of being anything other than a little lady.
and then i got older. i met a lot of people and learned about non-binary identities. i learned that, yes, there were boys and girls, but there were so many more individuals out there who identified differently. it amazed me. from that point, i knew i had to start experimenting. i tried several identities, trying to find the right fit for me. it was hard and confusing and at times i got very angry. but it was very worth it.
i tried to be a girl. i tried to be a boy. i tried genderfluidity. maybe bi-gender? perhaps gender neutral. none of them fit me and i had no clue why. i got so frustrated with myself, but now i realize what was wrong. not with me, but with my approach. the problem is that i have had no concept of gender in my entire life. i have absolutely no idea what gender is supposed to feel like. so, trying to identify with genders was so difficult because i had no connection with any of them. is this what being a girl is like? i don’t know! is this being a boy???? am i both???????? i doN’t kNoW!!!
i’ve come to the conclusion that i just don’t have a gender at all. i’ve been identifying as agender for about a month and, honestly, i’m happier with myself than i’ve been in about six years. the time i’ve had since graduating has been spent on securing and strengthening the relationship i have with myself, and this has been a key step. it was a very long, hard road, but it was so very worth it.
so, here i am. agender. proud. happy. and loving life.
i always forget that i have my eyebrow pierced until i reach up to scratch my eyebrow and almost rip the jewelry out
found some hair and put it on my head
"Learn to say ‘no’ without explaining yourself."
This is for my project, deconstruction of the body. Its a real, whole, skeleton that used to belong to a deer.
(Source: samcurtisdesign, via lunariums)
i’ve found that as i (and my peers) get older, it becomes a lot more difficult to say “yeah, i’ve been good at pretty much everything i’ve ever done” without sounding like an ass.